I have an interesting friend. His standard response to any query under the sun is “NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW!”
There’s no water in school, water being delivered thrice daily by a “Clean Water” lorry?
“NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW!”
Your boyfriend/girlfriend left you?
“NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW!”
An election got stolen, or in Parklands parlance, “kazi ilipangwa na watu walioga na mwosho mmoja tu”?
“NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW!”
The weather is too cold?
“NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW!”
When you ask him what he intends to do about what the misdemeanour complained of beyond the chest-thumping “NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW!” rhetoric, he goes mum, not before another “NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW! Why are you on my case?”
My “NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW!” friend represents most Kenyans. Quick to complain, chest puffed up with a “NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW!” until you tell them to put the money where their mouth is. Pipsqueak silence ensues.
Nowhere is this more evident than on social media, where a quick like, share or retweet button generates more primitive energy than the 7 Forks Dams. We live in a digital world where the line between information and misinformation has been erased; where everyone has an opinion that must be listened to, but nobody wants to listen too; where thanks to the omniscience of Google, we’re all experts in our fields, from the finer decimal points and deductibles of taxation to the nuances of International Relations, from the meat and bones of Forensic Science and Criminology to the curves and graphs of Economics.
Take what’s been happening in the news over this past week. Teachers’ strike, VAT Bill, mysterious death involving a cuckold and a cuckolder (is that even a word?), a Kshs 100m “Pimp My Already New Crib that Cost Another Kshs 400m” contest courtesy of Hustler, his 100 acres case and his mis-spelt podium, Obeezy’s snub et al the shenanigans that make up this wonderful country we live in. Here’s a small random sample of the conversations I’ve heard this week:
“What do you mean teachers are on strike? Ati the Government has gone back on a deal since 1997? The government wants to buy laptops and there are no teachers? NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW! Let’s just send our tots to these nice backstreet academies we’ll pay through our noses for, wake them up at 5 a.m., saddle them with a rucksack heavier than US Marine standard issue ones, and expect them back at 7 p.m. because ain’t nobody gat time for public schools! I don’t care if they get laptops.”
“But, my child is in a public school. He’s at home, just being idle. About the laptops, what if my kid gets mugged? What if I’m broke and sell off that laptop? Is it a laptop, or is it food we’ll eat? NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW!”
“What do you mean the government wants to tax unga? Don’t they know ugali is the staple food in this country? NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW! We don’t want to break the backs of the poor to fuel the flights of fancy like our laptop project.”
“Wait, what’s unga? That’s for poor people, me, I only brew croissants at Art Caffe. They use unga to brew croissants? OMG, NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW!”
“What do you mean Hustler wants to renovate his house? Isn’t it new? Wasn’t it built just last year for Shs 400 m? Even Watermelon didn’t stay in that house, and we’re renovating it already? For Shs 100m? NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW! Then he has a court case? COURT CASE! He was told to pay a whole 5 m. 5m, you guy! NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW to be led by people going to court, especially via Skype! And did you see his podium? That’s why we need teachers to be paid, you know? NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW!”
“But he’s innocent until proven guilty. Has he exhausted all his avenues of appeal like the overly-diluted Leadership and Integrity Act stipulates? NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW! About the podium, si we were told the ‘R’ was not silent, but that it fell off?”
“Why isn’t our Cousin Barry visiting us? How cruel can he get? Yes, we’re being led by persons with personal challenges, but doesn’t his granny live here? We could make a law like the Chinese which makes it obligatory to come home when you have it made. NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW!He must come here, DONGE?”
“I’m glad you mentioned China. Screw the West. We have China who build us nice things like superhighways with no drainage, all-seater superstadiums where we get beaten all the time, super-hospitals where we give out FREE maternity services. The drugs are funded by who? NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW! The West can keep their drugs, who knows, they’re probably poisoning us, and they’re expensive. We’ll get cheap knock-offs from our friends, the Chinese. They have the nerve to call our Dynamic Duo war criminals? He’s the biggest one of them all, with his drone thingies and pursuing Snowden to the ends of the earth. Poor fellow can’t even get into Russia OF ALL PLACES for crying out loud. Specks and logs people. NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW to be lectured! Plus who wants him to come here and start with all his telecoms jamming, traffic-jamming ways? NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW! Matter of fact, they can forget about us going for their 4th of July whatever. We don’t even like fireworks anyway.”
Methinks it should be, “NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW!” The NOT is silent. For we have allowed a lot to go on, by our failure to go beyond the loud “NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW!” and do something meaningful, you know, like the Egyptians, whose hobby is to chuck Presidents annually when they get tired. Before you issue a fatwa and get your skewers ready for the roast, yes, I’m also guilty of the “NO BUANA! WE WILL NOT ALLOW!” by writing this post and offering zero solutions to the conundrum we find ourselves in.
I guess this is what they mean by accept and move on, no?
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Maitha loves his morning fix of caffeine, sunshine and beautiful minds and the people behind them (not necessarily in that order). He’s also the world’s greatest reader, thinker, writer, legend (all in his own mind). Ordinarily, he’s a jaded law student, often described as irritable, snobbish and emotionally stunted; but after a cup of coffee, he undergoes a Hyde-Jekyll transformation whose results can be seen on demaithasblog.wordpress.com. Follow him on twitter @deMaitha, if you know what’s bad for you, and simply don’t care about the consequences.